i'm extreeeemely flattered...

A few weeks ago my brother's friend, Kevin asked if he could interview me for a paper he was working on for college. He told me he was writing a paper on single parenting so I agreed to the interview. Kevin just dropped off a copy of his paper for me to read. here it is:



Faith and Love in Single Parenting
by: Kevin Calhoun

There is a recent television commercial that shows two teenage boys playing soccer in their backyard. A mother cheers whenever one of the boys scores or when the other makes a stop. After a few tries, the narrator, probably one of the soccer-playing teens, says, "I love my life. I don't want to ruin it with a child." What is interesting about this commercial is not that it has a message, but that it displays a message in a manner that is extremely wrong and misrepresented.

If society believe that having children ruins lives, how would people reproduce? The advertisement's position is somewhat arguably important, but it should have been portrayed differently and in a less offensive manner. One role model of mine is Jennifer Sewall. She is a single mom raising two children. And she is the image of what mothers, single or not, should be. She says that her son and daughter have brought her joy and love and have done everything but ruin her life. She supports the idea that love, compassion, and stability are more important in raising a family than having both a mother and a father.

I learned quite a lot while sitting down with Jen and talking. Her daughter, Chloe, played in the backyard while we discussed her life - not just about her raising her children but about her life before. Jen grew up in Pleasanton in a house walking distance from mine. Her brother, Craig, is my best friend. When Jen was eighteen, she had her first child, Clayton. He is nine, now. I asked her how much time she spends with her kids. She wakes Clayton up at 7:30 am. Clayton has matured greatly in the last few months. So,, he basically get ready for school by himself while Jen cooks breakfast. Chloe usually wakes up by herself and eats with her mom and brother. The three live in the same house that Jen and Craig grew up in with their parents, Jeff and Teri. Jen usually drives Clayton to school which starts at 8:15 am. There isn't a set schedule at the Sewall house, so sometimes Craig, Jeff, or Teri help Jen out with the daily routine.

According to the book, One Parent Families: Healing the Hurts, by Howard I. Smith, single parents spend most of their day with their children and get little time for themselves. Single mothers, in particular, spend up to nine hours doing basic duties and tasks that are important to raising their kids. This takes away from personal time: time to work, time to relax, time to study. As statistically accurate as this book may be, Jen has found time to work and raise her two children. Yes, she has an amazing family that helps out a great deal, but that doesn't necessarily mean she can't do it alone. Both Jeff and Teri work as well. So, their time is limited. Craig goes to school in Santa Barbara and has recently gotten back from a four-month program in Thailand. So, until Chloe starts school full-time next year, Jen can only work for two hours four days a week. Her job does not take away from spending time with her two children.

A lot changes a woman when she becomes a mother, especially a single mother. A lot of people stress the strategy of having children after college or when they are in their mid-twenties. Jen had her first child at the age of 17. So, it is fair to say that things changed more for her than of someone older or someone with a fancy college degree. She told me that before she got pregnant, her life was moving in awkward directions and that she was making bad decisions. As many would agree, high school is very tough and, overall, the teenage years can be extremely hard as well. When Jen found out she was pregnant, she stopped making those choices and became a healthier person. She was responsible for another life. So, harming herself would only harm her child. Clayton cured her. Some people might argue that pregnancies ruin plans and destroy futures. But Jen's first child saved her and made her more responsible and caring.

In a particular situation like an unplanned pregnancy, family support is extremely important. In the book, Single Parent Families, by Kriss Kissman and Jo Ann Allen, it is stated that without family support, a young, single parent is "vulnerable to failure." In the entire study on a single parenting, one can probably conclude that this is true. A young mother is a different scenario than one that includes and older, more stable one. The Sewalls have helped out tremendously with Clayton and Chloe. Jen told me, "I couldn't have done it without them."

Jeff, Teri, and Craig help Jen raise the kids. When Jeff is not working and has time to spend with his grandchildren, he coaches Clayton's baseball team. He also drives Chloe to school. Craig spend quality time with Clayton, throwing the baseball around and playing games. He plays with Chloe and babysits while Jen is out or at work. Teri and Jen raised Clayton early on, pretty much by themselves. Craig was younger then and Jeff was working more. So, the two girls' schedules revolved around raising Clayton. Whether with family support or without, with both a mom and a dad or not, all single parents can learn from the hard work and compassion that Craig, Jeff, and Teri gave Jen in the early years of Clayton's and Chloe's lives.

It might be true that children need some kind of male influence in their lives. Many people say that having both a mother and a father is vital in how a child grows up. In his essay, It Takes a Family: Conservatism and the Common Good, Rick Santorum stresses the idea that families can only succeed if they have both a mother and a father. "It is and open and shut case: the best place for kids to grow up is with a happily married mom and dad, " he reasons. "And the more of these families there are in a community, the better it is for everyone." This is just one man's opinion on what families "should" be. According to an article entitled "The Benefits of Living in a Single Parent Family", by Anne Parron, conflict-ridden homes have been shown through research to be the worst living situation for kids. "If the prior two-parent living environment included ongoing conflict, a change to living with only one parent can have a positive effect on the kids such as gradual lessening of anxiety." This article is an obvious rebuttal to the previous essay, but it shows how every theory can have a counterargument. More importantly, this article shows that there are many benefits of single parent families.

Parron continues to describe her views and observations and states, "Kids learn about relationships from observing the adults around them. It is often better for children to see no relationship model when the parents stay together." This particular explanation correlates directly to part of what Jen and I discussed. I asked her if she and Clayton's father had stayed together, would it have been easier to raise the baby? She told me that she was afraid of staying with him for a number of reasons. For example, she was afraid that they would be together under the wrong circumstances. She thought that her age and her own selfishness contributed to not staying together. She feared that staying together would hinder the upbringing of her child.

There are a few options that many women consider after they realize they are pregnant. One controversial issue and option is abortion. Many people argue that a woman should have the right to choose whether she keeps the baby or chooses to abort. There are several things to consider before having an abortion, and there are a lot of arguments that support it. I asked Jen if she considered this particular alternative. She told me that abortion was out of the question. "Life was meant to be," she said. Particular situations contradict this idea, but planned or unplanned, life is meant to be.

Another option on how to handle an unplanned pregnancy is adoption. This is the best alternative to abortion. If a mother simply cannot raise a child, she should consider giving it up for adoption. Of course I can't comprehend the magnitude of that decision, but I am adopted, and my personal views on adoption are extremely positive and joyful. I cannot help but think that my biological mother considered her other options. I'm extremely glad I am here. I know a few other people who might agree.

Speaking with Jen, I learned a great deal about single parenting. And I have never enjoyed the process of writing an essay like I had writing this one. Any type of family can work, even one that has only a mom or a dad. It is time for our society to detach itself from its negative views on single-parent families. We need to realize that love and compassion are what really matter in raising children.. We need to have have faith that single mothers or fathers can accomplish everything that a married couple can. It is harder, of course, but Jennifer Sewall is the greatest example of how it can be done, and it is working.